God, harden me against myself
the coward with pathetic voice
who craves for ease and rest and joy
Myself, arch-traitor to myself,
my hallowest friend,
my deadliest foe,
my clog, whatever road I go.
As Mark Buchanan puts it, “Our speaking comes out of our listening. What we say comes out of what we hear.” So I haven’t been writing much “from my own pen” this last week, and I’m not going to start today. Obviously, I don’t think I’ve ever wrote about anything of my own, it was always because I read something in the Word of God or in a book or had a conversation with some people about some topic. I guess I build my opinion of things through listening to God and people and circumstances. Random Realization.
I’m done reading “Th
e Rest of God” and I just started “Against the Wind” by, yeah I know, K.P. Yohannan. So I was sitting on my dad’s front porch, my eyes looking “book-ward” when suddenly … the neighbors cranked up their music and it was loud, well, not as loud as last night. And surprisingly I started to think and understand. Two or three years ago, if I would have found myself in the same circumstances, my first thought would have been “Man they are so loud, what’s wrong with them? Can’t they even think about the people around them a littlebit? Can’t they respect us?” That would have been my legalistic attitude. But this time (and it’s been like this for a while now) I started analysing what was happening. It’s Friday. Around supper time. It’s nice out. Weekend’s starting. Obviously there was joy around in that house. No more work for two days! It is a time to celebrate, to rest their minds from all worries, it’s time for Sabbath. I know these people probably aren’t Christians and they probably don’t care about observing the Sabbath, but Sabbath isn’t only for the Jews or Christians, but for all mankind, all creation. We all need rest every week, that’s healthy. These people were simply enjoying their evening, lifting their spirits from the workload and taking it easy with some music they liked. Looking at it this way, I actually found myself almost smiling. My spirit was light. “Good for them” you could have heard my heart shouting.
It’s easy to just be hurt at people that are not like us and do things differently or people that don’t seem to be very mindful of what’s around them. It’s easy to complain about people stepping on our big toe. First responses tell a lot about a person. I’m learning that I need to step back, to stop and look around, under and behind what seems to be bothering me. Before I start grumbling in my heart and out loud I need to analyse and understand, taking nothing for granted. Instead of troubling my mind and sinning in my heart when I don’t agree with some people’s way of doing things, why can’t I simply rejoice with them. They’re having a good time and it’s not wrong. My views of right and wrong are sometimes mixed up because of my legalistic attitude, that’s wrong, that’s sin.
So it’s neat. Instead of being quick to be “inflamed” with anger and the like, I find myself light in spirit. Stepping back and trying to understand is really important and smart! Sometimes what’s happening to me isn’t cool at all. People have been harsh on me when I was in no fault. Instead of taking it all on me, I decided to look behind and around that person’s wrong attitude and found someone under pressure, on a hurry, people having high expectations on her. “Oh that’s why she was harsh… I shouldn’t start crying and take it personal. I’ll try to help her gently and lift her up.” That sounds a bit nerdy, but sometimes that the way I think and I believe it’s good. It’s a humiliating attitude, I know, but man it feels great!
Bank for Native Missionaries: 7$ as of August 11 2006. Please Care!
Thomas Costain, in his book The Three Edwards, relates a historical episode from the fourteenth century. Two brothers, Raynald and Edward, fought bitterly. Edward mounted was against Raynald, captured him alive, and imprisoned him in Nieuwkerk Castle. But it was no ordinary prison cell. The room was reasonably comfortable. And there was no lock on the door – not a bolt, not a padlock, not a crossbeam. Raynald was free to come or go at will. In fact, it was better that that: Edward promised Raynald full restoration of all rights and titles on a single condition: that he walk out of that room. Only Raynald couldn’t. The door was slightly narrower than a typical door. And Raynald was enormously fat. He was swaddled in it. He could not, with all his sqeezing and heaving, get himself outside his cell. He might more easily have passed a camel through a needle. So in order to walk free and reclaim all he’d lost, he had only to do one thing: lose weight. That would have come easy to most prisoners, with their rations of bread and water. It did not come easy to Raynald. Edward had disguised a great cruelty as an act of generosity. Every day, Edward had Raynald served with the richest, sauciest foods, savory and sweet, and ample ale and wine to boot. Raynald ate and ate and grew larger and larger. He spent ten years trapped in an unlocked cell, freed only after Edward’s death. His health was so ruined, he died soon himself. To reclaim his kingdom, all he had to do was stay hungry. Doesn’t this story sound horrible? I think it does. I’ve been reading a book by Mark Buchanan called The Rest of God, I especially enjoyed the chapter on feasting. He writes: “Some quality of life should mark the difference between our days of rest and celebration and our days of toil and production. Times of indulgence mean nothing if all times are that: always eating, never feasting. But if we reserve our feasting for a few occasions, for holidays and holy days, for times set apart, then each acquires a richer luster, a purer and sweeter tone.” You’ll ask me what’s the point in feasting only on special occasions and not everyday? Well Buchanan says; “We eat ourselves stuffed daily. There’s nothing to anticipate, nothing to make us stand back, astonished and thankful. “Without a fast,” Dorothy Bass writes, “it’s hard to recognize a feast.” Overabundance is our common lot, muchness our birthright, and all Sabbath serves up is more of the same. And when we see anything as birthright, it ceases to be a gift.” I remember when I was in Saskatchewan this spring. I didn’t want to spend much money on my food so I didn’t eat big meals often. I had enough every meal and that was it. But usually, on Sundays when I would get back from church, I’d make something different, usually spaghettis. I was always excited as I was preparing my meal, my feast. I never enjoyed my food as much as when I would stop from eating so much and so well all the time. It’s good to “fast” that way, it brings real joy and thankfulness when we actually sit in front of a feast. Bank for Native Missionaries: 7$ as of August 9, 2006 Please visit www.banknm.blogspot.com for more information.
I was looking through some old stuff. I kept in a few boxes all my books and homework and papers I wrote during my year at Parole de Vie Béthel (bible school) in 2001-2002. It’s always fun to look at my stuff and remember my time there. Well, I didn’t only find stuff from that year, but a little later, I don’t know why but in 2003 I wrote stuff for… no, not a class or a homework, I wrote about things I was noticing in the Word of God. I guess, I was writing a blog to nobody, on pieces of paper… Anyways I am amazed at some things I thought and wrote about in those years, it seems so… neat. So here’s some of thoughts I had on June 16, 2003, it is entitled, “The Sick Woman” (and it’s even written in English!). Matthew 9:21-22“She said to herself, ‘If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.’ Jesus turned and saw her. ‘Take heart daughter’, he said, ‘your faith has healed you’.”
This sick woman was a maybe shy person. When we read the gospels we see a lot of people coming to Jesus crying out loud, shouting, begging in front of crowds and the like, in order to be heard of Jesus and be healed or have a friend healed. People sometime did extravagant things to be noticed by Jesus. Instead of asking Jesus to heal her, she only touches His cloak. She is looking for healing only. She took the easy way of doing things. Instead of calling out to Jesus as He is walking to this man’s house among a big crowd, she simply touches His cloak, not wanting to disturb anybody, be healed in a quiet way. But when we think about it, Jesus wanted more than free-healing for everybody. He didn’t want to heal only for the sake of it. He wanted more than that. He stopped. He turned around to talk to her. She can’t go unnoticed. Jesus wanted to give the woman more than quick physical healing.
What I see in this little story is that God wants to fill my life with more than the simple knowledge of being saved from hell. He wants a relationship with me. Even though there are a lot of people rushing around, He wants to talk to me, telling me He is here and He knows me. The End. Well, I sort of added some things and omitted others… because I’m not sure if I still think that way. But anyways. I love to be reminded that Jesus wants me to know that I am important to Him and He wants to be with me, He doesn’t leave me to be a nobody, He loves me and wants to talk to me. It reminds me as well that if all I can “claim” from Jesus’ sacrifice is a ticket to heaven, well that’s mediocre. Jesus intends much more than a simple ticket to heaven, He gives more than that and I should be looking for more of Him and dig and dig in all His promises and who He is.
I’ve alway
s loved this verse found in I Corinthians 9:27. I’m not sure why, maybe because the struggle within me seems so obvious and real that I often feel like I need to beat my body in order to obey Christ. I’ve been thinking about humility and I realize that even though I once thought I knew what it meant to be humble and that I was doing a okay job myself at it… well I really don’t know what it truly means to be humble, to practice humility. Humility is more than simply “being humble”, doing the things a humble heart does when it doesn’t cost anything, when there is no beating and wrestling and sweat. Humility is a fight against pride. A tangible realization that there are two natures in me; the one led by sin and the one led by the Holy Spirit. These two are fighting and usually, the sinful nature of mine is always, always “in the parking lot” ready to fight while my renewed nature in Christ has a hard time letting the Holy Spirit simply do His work. I’m discovering that being humble is a harsh job that it asks for literally, supernatural strength. I can’t fight against my pride without injuring it. That’s the natural outcome of a fight eh? If I beat my body and make it my slave, then for sure, I injure this body of sin, my pride. So I hurt myself when I fight against pride. But you know what? I don’t feel as hurt when I fight against the Holy Spirit. It hurts to a certain level, but usually only afterwards, while fighting against my flesh and my sin hurts so much… all the time. I don’t know much about humility but I’m starting to realize that it costs much more than what I thought it would. It depends on who you are. I guess I am a very proud person, so it costs me a lot and I need to beat my body. Sometimes I feel as if my body and my sinful nature were kids parents never disciplined. I know it’s my job to rely on the power of God and do all I can to obey the Holy Spirit. I should pray about it more and more and more. I should to memorize good humbling verses. I should seek to have a right view of myself and to leave room for others and say “Whatever, it’s okay Gabe, don’t be so childish”. Because it is okay to look nerdy, it’s okay to keep quiet because I know the words I desire to utter are urged by my pride, it’s okay that people think I’ve changed (for good or bad)… It’s all okay because I have only one Ruler and He is the truth. It’s okay but it’s so hard to do. Letting go of my pride isn’t easy. It’s a never-ending fight.
